Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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