Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
