He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
