Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
