Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
