Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
