pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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