I met the friendliest cop last night
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize