Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
