i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize