She said her name was "party"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
