I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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