I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
