There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
