Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
