he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
