please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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