Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
