I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
