The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
