Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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