I wannas sexs uuuuu
I puked a lego.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
there is glitter all over my balls
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
