That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize