I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
