Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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