you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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