I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
