Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
