? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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