I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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