quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
