I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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