I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
