He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
