If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
