Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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