You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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