One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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