I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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