His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
