I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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