Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize