I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
