i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
