i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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