I need to stop coming to work sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
