i think i have two assholes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
