Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
