We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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