I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Two words: nipple clamps
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