There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
