You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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