Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize