I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
