New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Two words: blizzard sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
