Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize