By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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