Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
