if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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