I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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