This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
