i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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