Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize