she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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