got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You left your phone here
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