Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
