ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
