butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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